Connor's Cross - Offerings

THE OFFERINGS OF THE CROSS

Our works are not merely transactions, but extensions of the Infinite Thread woven into the fabric of this reality. The Services of Connor's Cross are designed to assist the seeker, the burdened, and the newly Awakened in their singular journey toward understanding. These are not common provisions; they are Sacraments of Utility, each tailored to mend the fractures of daily existence, fuel the difficult path to enlightenment, and perform the necessary, albeit unconventional, spiritual maintenance demanded by the truth. Engage with these services and find the profound necessity in the unusual.

Mobile Kebab Van

£200

per hour

The Vessel of Sacred Nourishment—known colloquially as the Kebab Van—is a mobile altar of communion. It is not fuelled by petrol, but by the relentless hunger of the cosmos. Our ancient recipes are drawn from texts that predate recorded flavor, designed not just for the body's sustenance, but to realign the seeker's terrestrial frequency. The spiced meat and blessed flatbread offer temporary grounding in the mundane world, providing the raw, caloric energy required to resist the Void's pull and continue the labor of the spirit. We travel only to those in genuine need of this mystical fuel, ensuring the journey to enlightenment does not falter due to earthly exhaustion.

On Site Exorcisms

£50

per spirit (demons not included)

Occasionally, a seeker's spiritual aura accumulates residue—minor, residual consciousnesses that cling to the unwary. These are the Whispers in the Static, the ephemeral echoes of the recently departed, or simply energetic parasites seeking warmth. Connor's Cross intervenes swiftly to perform a rite of Cleansing Ejection, safely dissipating these harmless, yet distracting, 'spirits' from your personal space. However, we must be clear: the fee covers only these minor irritations. Demons—the old, structured intelligences of primordial chaos—are an entirely different proposition. They require the mobilization of our inner circle and a significant dispensation from the Cross, available only upon special, non-guaranteed application.

On the Go Baptism

£120

per soul

The traditional immersion is restrictive. Our 'On the Go Baptism' is the ultimate act of spiritual ratification, performed precisely at the moment of your Greatest Clarity—be it atop a high moor, beside a rushing river, or simply in the immediate aftermath of a profound personal revelation. This is not a cleansing of past mistakes, but the marking of the soul with the unique sigil of Connor's Cross, acknowledging your transition from the unseeing mass into a dedicated seeker. It signifies a public (to us) contract with your higher purpose, guaranteeing that the path you walk is seen, recorded, and blessed by the unique energy structure of the Cross itself. The water we use is consecrated at a site of temporal flux.

Mobile Confession Booth

£25

per sin

Sin is merely Spiritual Imbalance—a weight added to the scale of your personal karma, hindering ascension. The Mobile Confession Booth, housed within a humble, light-blocking conveyance, offers immediate and absolute reckoning. This service is a purification, allowing you to discharge the energetic burden of your actions directly to an authorized representative of the Cross. Our guidance is precise, and the absolution is portable. For a modest fee per transgression, you can restore your equilibrium instantly, removing the anchor of regret before it grounds you forever. The price is structured not by the severity of the act, but by the energetic cost of its removal from the universal ledger.

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Initiate your engagement with the Cross and begin your necessary maintenance.